for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
