Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
