Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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