WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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