i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
