I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
