Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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