Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
