Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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