I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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