look no pants
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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