I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
3 2 1 whiskey
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
