i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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