Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
