just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
