Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Someone came in the potted fern
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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