did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
