I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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