My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
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