Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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