"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
