The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
