no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
