...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
