are you still at the devil's house?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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