upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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