I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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