The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
