well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
