Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
