Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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