i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
