life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
