I just made out with a guy for $7.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Randomize
