i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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