so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
