She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
