You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
