im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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