So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
