Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
