i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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