Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
