why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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