The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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