u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
