it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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