Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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