My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
