proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just googled if crying burns calories
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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