We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
